What am I even writing about, anyway?

It’s day 3 of my challenge to post every day of November, and I’ve already had my blog’s first existential crisis.* I mentioned to someone today that I had started writing a blog, and they asked what it was about, and I couldn’t come up with an answer that satisfied me, and then I had A Moment. The kind of moment in which your brain takes a very small thing down a spiraling path of crazy reasoning, and suddenly that small thing represents the very meaning of your existence.

existential

So what am I writing about? For me, the what is inextricably linked with the why. Why am I writing? What is the point?

I began writing this blog for three reasons:

1) I sent a friend an email detailing a ridiculous conversation I’d had with my toddler, and she replied that she would totally read a blog consisting entirely of my conversations with him. That planted the seed.

2) I was beginning to drag myself out of the dark pit of postpartum depression and thought that writing about it would provide some opportunities for reflection, self-examination, and healing.

3) I was filled with longing for the person I used to be. When I was young and full of potential I thought I would be a writer. When I grew up, instead of pursuing creativity I went the route of stability – practical education, defined career path. Terrified of others reading my writing and finding it lacking, I found other things to occupy my time. I suppose I saw this blog as an opportunity to recapture the person I maybe could have been, had I been a bit braver and chosen the path less travelled.

So, how have I done?

1) I’ve written about Bean. He continues to say ridiculous things, and it is so very amusing to record them and share them with you on What-my-kid-said Wednesdays.

2) I’ve been writing about my experience of postpartum depression, though I haven’t shared it yet. It’s still deeply personal; I’ve only shared my struggle with a handful of people in real life, and while in many ways it’s easier to be honest behind the anonymity of a blog, it’s still tough to hit that “publish” button. My palms get a bit sweaty just thinking about it. But it’s coming.

Aside from writing about depression itself, this blog has helped me in a way I hadn’t anticipated. I’d been feeling swallowed up by this maternity leave, consumed by the day-to-day details of babies and toddlers, like I had no identity other than “Mum.” Even though I’m writing about being a mother, the act of writing helps me feel like more than just a mother.

3) I can’t go back to the person I was, and I wouldn’t want to. My life is a good life. But I can search for elements of the old me that bring me happiness. I can flex my creative muscles, weakened from lack of use, and try to live up to some of the potential I once had.

That’s the why. So what is this blog about? What am I even writing about, anyway?

Motherhood. Kids. Life. Self.

Humour. Sadness. Friendship. Depression.

Writing. Reflection. Commentary. Community.

I’m writing for me, so this blog can be whatever I want it to be.

 

* I Googled existential crisis just for fun, and check it out – there’s a WikiHow page for “How to Deal with an Existential Crisis (with Pictures).” Ha!

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15 thoughts on “What am I even writing about, anyway?

  1. I think having a blog based existential crisis is some sort of rite of passage for bloggers 😝 You can’t call yourself a blogger without it! I’ve been blogging for a little over a year now and have documented 2 existential crises and has several others! What can I say, I guess I just don’t have the time needed for the truly epic get-it-out-of-your-system crisis that I deserve 😝

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  2. Your last sentence shows you’re on the right path. I had a blog existential crisis after my November 1 post. I wondered what I was going to write about for the next month. I don’t have a focus for my blog either but that is the point for me. I can see where it will lead me.

    I wish there had been blogs when I was a new mom. I didn’t have postpartum depression but had a lot of anxiety the first 18 months. Now my first baby will be 30 years old in December and I don’t think she’d appreciate it if I posted the things she says to me. Not so cute. Good luck with NaBloPoMo!

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  3. Enjoyed the post. I do hope you will post your articles on postpartum depression. I had a friend who had issues after her 3rd child. She had no issues with the first two. She felt like an utter failure. Reading what other women wrote about what she was feeling helped her.

    But if you chose not to, that’s cool. I’m glad you shared you story in this post. There is nothing shameful about it. Good luck this month from a fellow NaBloPoMoer!

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    • Thanks so much! I’m also encouraged by reading about the experiences of other women… hopefully I’ll have something of value to add to the conversation. Good luck on NaBloPoMo to you too!

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  4. I totally had a blog crisis about 2 weeks ago. I was about to throw in the towel after feeling like I wasn’t making any progress. Was I really contributing or adding anything to the world??! But, after the crisis, I came out understanding why I blog even better. I had more peace about my blog and… basically it has gotten better. Anyway, I love you blog and I am glad that we can be a part of the blogging community. 🙂

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  5. Regardless of your reasons for starting the blog, I’m glad you did. You write wonderfully, and I really enjoy reading your posts (I actually highlighted the first post of yours I read about swearing, in my post today of my favorite NaBloPoMo reads). Write on!

    Liked by 1 person

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